Sabotage is a wicked thing!

Well Mr Commuting Bookworm is unable to get with his program at the moment, this means that when I want to be pro active and get into the Gym, he talks me out of it. Now I know it is wrong for me to blame him totally. If I was so dedicated, this would not be possable would it? Ive figured out that I have to some how motivate him to start his program, and this in turn will help me to stay on track.

So, I did not make the Gym last night. This is because, dispite us agreeing no Films, he was watching Ally McBeal and cooking dinner late. We agreed this weekend that Mr CommutingBookWorm (CBW) would cook dinner as he gets in before me) ready for 1900 hrs, thus, my compremise is that I will go to the gym at 2000hrs, at least then we get to eat together. Well this morning, he tells me that he will have scrambled eggs, beans and toast ready! AGH.................. I don't think so, what about the chickenand veg that we were meant to be having. and then when I explained, no thanks I will just have a protien shake, of course this is all down to my PMT isn't it!

Anyway, tonight should not be such a problem becuase I have a Personal Trainer appointment and therefore this is not nogotiable. However, I will stop feeling guilty about whats gone in the past becuase I can not change this, but will remain focused for tonight. I will think no further than my training session tonight.

Perhaps this is as much apart of the program, its the mental state. Mine, predomintly. I am watching everythink I eat, and thinking I must go to the gym ect, but it is not working. I know it is only becuae I have my personal trainer, that I have not given up all hope in the gym. But I have not and will not be such a defeatist. I am so fed up with being unable to look in the mirror without shame. You know when I am putting my make up on, I only look at that part, so if I am putting on eye liner on I only look at my eyes. If its lipstick, then I only focus on my lips. I can not face looking at me in the mirror. i am just so disgusted with mybody shape. I can not beleive that one small fram can carry so much fat. I can not believe that I have inpacted so much self harm onto this body. It is also an insult to God, that he made this perfect little baby, he gave me the gift of life and this is what I have done to repay him. 

Today is the 31st Aug, that means that tomorow is the 1st. No 1 is always a good place to start. Therefore I am starting tomorow. There is 30 days in September, and I set myself the targe of training for at least 25 of these.

Watch this space...............................................................................................................................